As if I didn't have enough unqualified and overappreciated nonsense to deal with.

 

I was recently reminded of one of the most infuriating and degrading experiences of my life. Beginning, of course, with someone asking for my help. What they wanted was for me to acclimatize a friend of theirs to what might be experienced as everyday food in Japan. Apparently the subject was considering a trip. 

Then I found out who it was.

I'd introduced this same person to a variety of new foods in the previous months when they would drop by to visit my current housemates and dinner happened to be near. I was never told about incoming guests, of course, but an extra plate is nothing- there are always leftovers when cooking for a full house.

Now, when I say 'new foods', I'm not talking nonwestern exotics like Jollof Rice or Lamb Vindaloo.

I'm not talking Euro classics like a simple risotto or a baked Brie en croute.

We're talking things like... Oven-baked fish, topped with parsley and breadcrumbs.

Broccoli, gently roasted, with a pat of butter.

Corn. 

Corn.

The difference between dino nuggets and karaage was apparently already too much.

I gave it due consideration, and then flat out refused.

You couldn't possibly pay me enough to make it easier to inflict such a culinarily-crippled menace on Japan. For starters, Japan is in general... less than kind to individualists. "The nail that sticks out gets hammered back down" was a common turn of phrase in my East Asian Studies undergrad classes.  There is nothing about this person that could possibly thrive there. Something personal- it's a place I've been trying to go for literal decades, and have had the opportunity ruined for me many times over. I will absolutely not help someone enjoy a luxury they're not even capable of qualifying for when someone like me keeps getting snubbed and sloughed off.

The hazardous someone in question is an adult. Somewhere in their mid to late twenties, and that grew up here in the US- in the midwest, no less. Though "grew up" is one hell of a reach in a case like this. 

The approach and experience is infantile, and the timing decades out of date. How does one near thirty without awareness and comfort of basic fundamentals of a western diet? Stuff you see in the canned goods aisle and the freezer case all year round? Or that you see in most TV dinners?

That, and more, was what comes to mind when I saw this.

A new cookbook: "COLOR TASTE TEXTURE: Recipes for Picky Eaters, Those with Food Aversion, and Anyone Who's Ever Cringed at Food".

In some ways, to some people, it might be seen as a step in the right direction. Not to me. 

You're not supposed to make things easier for difficult people. You're supposed to make better people.

Somewhat surreal moment

The story begins mundanely enough.

We had somebody come in to do court-ordered community service hours

The center does get these on occasion, it’s whatever. We're on the list and it's a good place to get comparatively easy work hours, even if they're not always easy to schedule. We are, after all, open in the middle of the workday.

Yesterday I had to go do a delivery route, as often I do when drivers go missing. As I'm walking out the door, I notice there’s a Benz double parked almost right in front of the center.

That happens sometimes. This street is sometimes quite busy because we regularly have events and there are schools nearby. People do pick-ups and drop-offs all the time, and usually they're gone in a matter of minutes. I thought no more of it and off I went.

Some ninety minutes later I returned, and noticed it was still there. Now blocking a few cars' worth of traffic. I head inside and start asking. The front desk knows, the director knows, we’re all talking about it, and we start asking around. 

We get to the kitchen where the volunteer’s busy washing dishes. Goes “Oh, that’s my car.". Doesn't even blink. Casually meanders out to move it and find real parking. Been here for upwards of two hours, and blocking half the street the whole time. 

We’re all mildly aghast.

Then.

We find out the service hours are for reducing fines

…on a giant pile of traffic tickets.

Because what else would it be, right?

Jollibee - Not - So - Lovely

 

I've never been a fast food person, nor a chain restaurant person. When there's nothing else they'll do, but I'm much more likely to try something singular and slightly suspicious, even in a far off place.

But the other day, someone asked me how to make a homemade version of the Jollibee spaghetti. My response was, of course, "...What." 

Now, I knew about it. Jollibee is a quick-service Filipino restaurant chain that's trying to be slightly upmarket while still bottom feeding. The spaghetti is what gets people looking because who the hell expects a fast food chain to have spaghetti- especially one from Southeast Asia. Now apparently there are locations that have palabok pancit, which is Actual Filipino Food, but they don't have that at the one closest to me so my hopes of something tasty mostly went out the window. They did have pies though, and so all hope was not lost.

I discovered there's a Jollibee location out on Alameda island, which is close enough for me to make the trip as an experiment. Unfortunately I had forgotten how absolutely foul it is to get out there. I want to grind that place to gravel so I can rebuild it properly. Ugh. But it's not about the journey to and from, as dreadful as it was.

This may not be the norm since the storefront is in a plaza where everything is very uniformly sculpted, but the appearance is fairly mundane, though the logo is distinct. Were it not for that (and the definitively different intended demographics), you'd have a hard time telling the difference between Jollibee and Popeyes or Chick Fil-a. The amount of sheer product I could see from the far side of the counter was absolutely wild to me. Alto-shaams FULL of cooked chicken ready to rock, dozens of possible orders of food awaiting boxing and bagging, with probably ten employees back there all busy at one thing or another. And one single solitary cashier. That I get, because half the counter was labeled Online Order Pickup and the entire time I was on premises there was a steady stream of people heading to and from. Probably 2/3 of the orders never saw a table, including mine since after the struggle to get there I wanted to go home rather badly.

"Have a Jolli day!" said the cashier as I took my blinking buzzer-to-be off to a corner to wait. Cute and inoffensive, at least. A good twenty minutes later (continuing the trend of 'Quick-service' being very much Not That) I had a bag full of food, and a half hour after that I was home to eat. Because of course getting back was even worse.

I didn't get the whole menu because I'm poor and prepared food is expensive no matter how lousy it is. However, I did get a solid sampler of what they're known for and what they're trying to push.

Chicken: Solid. Somewhere between Wendy's and Popeyes in crunch, with both the regular and spicy being suitably flavorful. Gave my poor beau some terrible heartburn though.

Spaghetti: What. Exceedingly sweet, sauced with what might as well be ketchup (probably banana ketchup and a handful of other things) with fragments of what might be ground meat, little coins of hotdog, and some sprinkled yellow cheese. It's the Filipino version of Chef Boyardee or Spaghetti-Os as we know them today. It's a nostalgic flavor for someone somewhere, probably a vast number of people. But definitely not me. Yech.

Adobo Rice: Sucked. Almost nothing to it but a whisper of soy sauce and vinegar to color and flavor it, with tiny flecks of chicken here and there. I'd made actual chicken adobo earlier this week, so I just put some of my leftovers on top to make it taste like Jollibee pretends it does.

Macaroni and Cheese: Quite nice! Pasta is thick and soft, sauce is rich. It's essentially Stouffer's, if you've ever had the occasion to try it.

Pies: Two! Peach/Mango and Ube. Both extremely delicious. Easily the standout items and I'd happily eat either of them any time. Remember when McDonalds pies were fried and delicious? These make the Golden Arches' golden era look tame.

Overall Verdict:  D I A B E E T U S

It's supposed to bring Filipino flavors of home, but if that's home I totally see why people would leave... if they can manage to walk after all that!

Plagiarism? In cookbooks? Gosh.

"Food influencer" accused of plagiarism. Gosh. You think?

First of all, welcome to the world of food. Everybody steals, copies, and tweaks. It's normal, because food is ephemeral and imprecise. My own stance on intellectual property (Doesn't exist. Make your name with valid, tangible, and more permanent assets.) aside, this just starts a squabble where nobody involved looks good. 

Unless it's really, really obvious. 

The person in question is Brooke Bellamy- an Australian TikTok-er who has some robust internet notoriety and a place called 'Brooki's Bakehouse'. She's also got a book "Bake With Brooki", which is where the trouble shows up. The allegations of pilfered recipes are very much justifiable. I looked for myself to be sure. As a chef and a recipe developer myself, I'd back them up. I would never have allowed something so blatant to hit the shelves. It's not James Beard levels of pilferage, but it's a different sort of bad when it's not even your own previous publications you're pilfering from. Worse still, the recipes came from other easily found places with operators who pay attention to this sort of thing.

Recipe Tin Eats is a site I'm less familiar with, but I also don't do a lot of recipe hunting. The owner Nagi's recent post showed an easy to follow comparison between the recipes in question. By my standards, it's fairly cut-and-dried. It was pointed out in the first place by her fanbase, who discovered it after some digging and brought it to light. If it's that obvious even to non-professionals... yeah.

Sally's Baking Addiction is another name listed, and an absolutely extraordinary resource for the modern home baker. Sally knows her stuff, takes great pictures, doesn't overdo it on the ads or the storytelling, and the recipes on her site do what they say they'll to- I've used plenty of them myself. When I'm doing my own recipe dev work, her site is on a list of many I check for baseline recipes to compare with. 

Here's an easy to follow example for you. I went back to look- Sally's oatmeal cookie has a great deal in common with my own oatmeal cookie. Did I steal it? No. Why is it similar? Home baking has limits. Equipment, ingredients, and yield don't vary much at all, mostly because of storage and intent. Almost nobody's batching dough for a gross of cookies at once- they're making a batch they can fit in a bowl and bake in a home oven to feed a small number of people. Those fairly narrow parameters can make for a lot of very similar recipes. But don't underestimate the power of research. It's way too easy to be found out if you just lifted something wholesale, and the general public is veeeery happy to pour a little poison on someone's reputation, deservingly or not.

If you're going to just up and take something, do it more like Dylan does. His cookbook recipes all come from other places, but everyone is quite well aware because it's part of his schtick. Taking the horrors of home kitchens past and making modern and palatable incarnations is nice. Highlighting recorded-but-forgotten delights is even nicer!

Me, I don't use TikTok, and had no idea who this Brooke lady was. But I sure do now. I'm not linking her website, her socials, and especially not her cookbook. Screw that.

A treasure of my youth appears to be gone.

 I spent a chunk of almost every summer of my teens up at Sabattis.

Seems like the modern BSA isn't enticing enough to keep attendance at numbers that'll let it stay open.

It'll be missed very much.